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Where to Start???

Somehow…somewhere…this got fixed and I can now access my site…the one I originally started writing on back in 2016!!! this just makes me wanna jump up and dance, and i have yet to reread all I wrote, but my journey is documented…yeah.

I have not lost theses writings…now the task will be to figure out how to download it…form a book.a…and get onto the task i truly believe i am meant to do…But right now…I just wanna smile and say….miigwetch…I have missed this and not being able to find it, get into irt, annd continue where i was before with all my rattlings…its good to able to connect the thoughts through the years.

i am happy.  Tomorrow i will visit the island, and share in some healing…and tonight…I shall sleep in peace knowing Mcsense is saved.

August 9 2019.

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3:44AM

I have been wanting to seriously get back to this thing and get writing.  Then my ego gets in the way and says who reads it anyway.  It’s not between anyone but me, and my maker so, lets write it out as a journal to Creator.

What is going on world??? Injustices in the courts, indigenous boys being shot on farms, snow that won’t melt, I am riding my bike in February, in Midland, in 2018.

If you’re not alarmed, I think a great big wake up call needs to head your way.  

In my humble fifty-three year walk on this planet, everything has turned upside down. Its like we are looking at things in a mixed up, stirred up, twisted sort of view.  The saddest part is,it’s all become so self-centered, we don’t even see it.

Here is the humble kick in the teeth.  Everyone’s the same.

Where is this going?  I just do not know.  I do know that at 349 on a sunday morning I am up and writing.  I am up and pondering these thoughts.  I am up and missing souls that are gone that should be here.  I am not living in regret, but I am seeing that we are missing something.

I don’t know how to put it right.  I don’t even think for a minute I have the answers.  heck, I am just as much part of the problem as everyone else.  We all got sucked into this , and now we can not get out, and our children are screaming with AK47’s, and walking into schools.

I want to help find a solution.  It’s going to take a community to fix this.  We are so boxed off in our owns worlds, I fear that the only true way to heal, and get back to real is to go build a cabin with like-minded souls and wait for You to just clear a path of the stupid.

Thanks for reading my wee note.  Going back to bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“JetPlains”

I started up with college…Again. This time the challenge was a bigger mountain, seeing as the world is spun beyond control with a pandemic. You get to see the true silliness of souls, and its been going on now for almost 9 months, or more.

We have had toiliet papaer riots, unkindness at every turn, and still Mr Ornavge is in power, but November fast approaches,so, pray.

I have been here, inundated by the techno world, thrown at me, due to the fact we cant go anywhere for school, so school is at home, but its a whole new world for all involved so the clitches are millilans and patience has become my best friend.

The sruggle for schedule, and balance in this addicts mind has been tested by the fact niece #1 came to live with me. Trying times for her as well, her whole world has had the carpet pulled out from it, and the child/woman now stands hollow, hurting, with nowhere to turn. I been there. I see me. I wanna help, but oh me , oh my, its given me an awareness of self, and a depth of knowledge of my haunting self that lived in the selfish selfcentered world of addictions for so many years. Its clearly brought forth the notion that i hurt many and many amends are to be made and most can only be done by doing the one thing i ran from so much to change…me. Its called waking up with a cold hard mirror that I just wanna toss out and break, but I love the mirror., so its a twist i choose to live with.

I hadn’t written for a bit. Its hard to pen all that surrounds me and the good that has come once this house sold and humans bought it, and moved more humans in. Good humans. It was getting so that I was starting to think there were none. My three and half years on this street has really jostled my beliefs.

So, here I am. Juggling college, watching the world fall apart, sitting in my apartment, surronded by furballs and happy prevails. Whats more?

Mohawks are fighting about their land again…Micmac are fighting for the fishing rights again…their digging up Kanestake, and nuclear waste is being discussed to be dumped somewhere in the great lakes!!!

I’m studying about Chief Pontiac, and the Royal Proclamation, and I am just wondering…what has changed folks? Are we this sefl absorbed…stop all the insanety because the bottom line is if you can breath your dead, and out\r air right now is screwed up.

Mother Nature needs a break. Take some time for you, for yours, sit relax get the necessities, and nest. Lets lets this pass and then maybe we can be something or start something that will be good new and whole.

We are just spinning. I choose not too…In my sweet little hole in the ground, I will keep us as good as I can with smiles and coffee and your wilcome to drop on by.

And so i wnated to write today, and really say nothing, but i did engage ya for a minute, and took your mnd of the now…so mission accomplished…have a day…keep it smiley.

October 15 2020.

“What Day Is It?”

I think I have gotten over the stage of what day it is, and I think i am getting on track. My schooling adventure will be here at home, with a Culture Camp to attend, and then back home to do this alone, on line, and get to the grind.

From all the assistance, and emails I have been gifted with, I think this will be a doable challenge and the outcome is golden, and I am really appreciating doing this from home.

I see i have taken these last five years to try to mend a heart to not repeat past mistakes. instead of running into another victimless state, I choose to stay single, seek help, and work through my issues and see me clearly and fix my self regardless of anyone elses part, because in the end, I live with me, and if i cant live with me, how in hell do i expect anyone else to? Tame the demons and float on into happy.

Well, I am surely not floating….i am trudging and then Creator throw’s a stone in the path. The same stone that has boggled me up for so many years. The stone I though I had turned to a pebble and was slowly disintegrating to sand, and I thought that that was the reason this new interest had been brought my way.

But with all the twists and turns to try to get this thing to work, it fails, and that means that trying is what shouldn’t be needed……things should flow, and the truth to that appeared when the stone rolled into the road.

The stone. The block of light at my door when I was in totall distress, and falling down the rabiit hole faster then alice.

The light. That shone so bright it took up rooms, and showed me free, and how to be in simplicity, and taught me so much with so little said.

The beauty who didnt even see it, but it was like wind sweeping you away, and the smile of a heart that just wanted to love the world, and have it not hurt her anymore.

I’d never been seen. I’d never seen anyone. She overwhelmed from the get go. She took over my being and I was so lost and getting further into my circus I called life I did all I could to hurt her, prove my unworth, push her away, live in my selfishness not see anything but me and when I finally did see it, it was gone like a flash and it knew how to fly, and I realized everything too late, because flight had taken.

I remained lost and searching for years to come, to jump from one to another to all ways realyzing the damage was done. I didn’t stop till five years ago at five years sober, and I started the journey to me in a big big way.

Happy is mostly here today and then the love arrived, and the conflict and pain and I just know that love should not be this way.

As much as I try to make my self believe that that aint so my soul knows and I’m stuck.

Then the stone rolls into my road…and I see …the truth…the light…the knowing, and I don’t know if we will ever talk again, and that is not in my hands any way…. I don’t know what this is, but I know this.

I get the lesson, Creator, and its all ok, and I can let go, and I can be, you’re ok….and today is just a Sunday in august in 2020…isn’t that wild hindsight!!!!

on the eve of a dream…you come sauntering back in to my memory and I know….peace comes from humble forgiveness on everyone’s part, but i am blessed to have been touched by you.

All i have left to say are my shortcomings’ which haunt me, and you…will remain…my stone…my pebble…my Beth in the field with horses running wild….and life will be as Creator makes it.

Today is Sunday.

“Into June”

A new month has begun. They are lifting up restrictions, and yet things are going wrong. Am I the only who has heard of the torrid times in Brazil??? Hell, just look next door…Minneapolis is on fire. We let that orange guys rotten mind take hold of all and oh me , oh my, its mesmerinzingly disheartening. I just made a word up!!!!

I was reading over the weekend of what is happening in the shelters in fair Toronto. That is alraming, and you know why???? During the day and when they close the shelters, they, our brothers and sisters walking in harder times then us, are doing just that…walking among us, after coming out of places infested and yet…we are lifting restrictions.

I dont wanna do a us , and them, thing…I wanna do a unit thing today, because everything is pointing to the fact we cant see we are all in the same damn boat, and its going down.

Economy…the mighty dollar…the need for things that are not needed, is gonna cost us the one thing we can not buy…life.

I just lost my train of thought, and that is why I have not written in this blog throughout these days. I am finding it very hard to understand any of the damn thing. I just know this.

We are all related. When are we gonna learn that the only thing that separates me from you is the inability to love you as much as i love me regardless of what who or where you may be.

Humans. In a world gone mad, I retreat to my hole, and cradle the furballs, and smiley I become.

Corona 2019

I remember a time that was just a bad beer.  It has all gotten really surreal of late, things just keep changing daily,yet,  people seem to be acting like their in the same space as before, only its slow mo.

My folks wont stay home.  Both compromised.  Both just kinda feeling really lost and wondering and I don’t think really grasping the facts of the matter.  I went shopping with my mother, and well, she is still trying to bargain hunt, and then freaking out that its all gone.  

My father.  Enough said.  I just don’t know where this road leads.  I know i have been hibernating at home enjoying music ,cats , pen and paper…reading a bit…trying to do zoom meetings…praying…smudging…staying sober in the here and now.

The great equalizer is what I am calling this.  Its making everyone right size.  I watched Pink on Instagram who has this thing, as her 3year old boy does.  You wanna see right size, and the beauty of it is this…she knows it…she speaks of it…shes been equalized and yet not, and, she knows that too.

Mr Orange pulled some funding…more passed in NYCity…i am praying for my sister…and just simply watching…standing on the sidelines not much i can do, but apperently im a hero if i just stay home and so

I do.

 

April 14, 2020. MMLMB.

 

 

InsideOut

i don’t quite know where to start of late.  Me being of find mind, and conspiracy theories.  We are now advised to stay in homes during this Covid 19 scare, or is it.  i haven’t written , and yet there’s poetry a plenty, but thats different then what is dancing in my brain of late.

everything’s closed, or about to be.  the grocery stores managers are now like generals  running military comparts that you line up like refugees going to get their fairs.  you know its all ways the little ones that go first.  i think there’s more to this story….i do believe on march 31 the aliens will land. yess sirree bob…boom.

yupper…touch down is imminent, and the elite know it.  tis the reason why their are no serious plans beyond march 31, but i digress. in all this mess, i have come to see that all though i fear not seeing my creator, i just still have stuff to do here,and dreams, and plans, but i guess the elders were right when they said plan, but don’t plan the outcome, but who could plan this….Iraq, china…ussr,,,,were back tin the ussr, oh but i digress.

we were protesting pipelines, and shutting down railways…we were getting noticed in more ways then one…the indigenous were forming a unity on the land, and all of a sudden…we have to stay inside…by a virus…remember the blankets…enjoy.

maybe its all just coincidence, and maybe my writing is nothing, maybe no one wants to read what goes on my brain, nor do i, that’s why i penned this out, asked you to read coz honestly its where the monkeys lie.  Stay smiley.  Lets hope this blows over before we all blow up.

march 22, 2020

 

 

 

Nine

And here we go…right on into stepping into nine and trying not to focus on The Big Day way ahead of time…i am proud of me.,surely did not get here alone. Should i jot down all the names of the souls that have helped me get to here?  You know who you are and if you follow what ifollow , then  its a humble journey and names are not as important as our deeds.   Thank you for all deeds done  fellows.

 

 

There’s been grief abounding .  I have strolled through, not alone, and the wonder is all though she is far away, and it is I who caused that event.  I pay dearly for lack of trust and faith, but i digress.

Every time, and I have made certain its urgent and that that is the last thread…she has not faulted me .  She’s been there to lean on to, and her direct way into real just brings me down to calm.

Its like talking to Creator when the wind is up, and I am whipped around into a torrid mess of stress and discontent, and Creator just speaks low and she says…trust.

I am learning lots of late.  Those souls gone.  They are going up to be stars and the stars wont be lonely no more.  I think solace will finally be bestowed upon my sweet tormented uncle.  Sir, it was never your fault, I hope you find that out wherever you go…star.

I don’t know what i truly wanted to write tonight….I am so filled with grateful and happy and i almost feel guilty for that, but then what is my purpose? To be Happy…and i am getting there and for that I say…

Thanks…and so we go on into another day…one day at a time…what a blessed life…undeserving yet inhaling all the beauty of each moment…learning to trust me so i can trust another, and giving away my doubts knowing Creators got this.

I just know that life began in a beautiful way december 18 2010, and may i always stay humble.  Today, i turned nine…and tonight Ill pray for one more day…and in theses shoes ill go forward knowing…i am never alone….so be it.

M.M.L.M.B.-December 18, 2019.

 

 

 

The Days of Late

I have been trying to put into perspective everything that has been flying at me.  i don’t even know where to start.  Death knocked at the door her regular 3 times, and then my world sorta just crumbled…it all had to do with trust and misguided directions.

Why is it so hard to listen to my heart?  Why am i so broken that i cant even fathom that I deserve good, but when i sit back and really ponder the thought…why would Creator want less for me???

People of the stars…and we go back to that…what a brilliant plan that is.  Love hasn’t touched me many times, and when it did it was all blinded by other distractions that all ways took priority.

i went in this time clean slated.  Never expecting truth, honesty, respect, and for all that i needed courage bravery and wisdom.

I had none, she had all, and she had the brilliance to see the shortness of me and flew…but stays…and love remains.

But Yet, i am still behind the eight ball  in things like bills and rent…and i don’t know why i cant seem to get it together of late.

Here i sit taking in strays i think i can manage, but mental health is a slippery slope.

I can not tie the strings together.  i cant make heads nor tails of this fate of late.  maybe i am not suppose to .  maybe i am just suppose to sit and surrender, get out of the way and let life happen.

Maybe…the days of late…strange indeed, and yet i wait.  I forgot to pick up my gift.  its a high price to pay for being a fool, and hind sight is twenty twenty.

 

Lots

I have lots going on right now. Probably more then I thought could fly at me  at once.  Its hard to not lose me in all this and just say f-it.   Then again is it? Creator sent me quite the remember when, and now I pray for a fallen sister.  Its just a motion away, and yet this life, this road I am on is filled with smiles.

My living arrangements are a bit in chaos.  My bad is part of the way, the owner just deciding to rid of the problem rather then deal with it is fairly disgusting in my books, and dirty pool.  

Its like a great big remember when for me.  Last place I lived at in Ottawa 8 years before this journey began, was a rooming house from hell, that the landlord choose to shut down, nail shut and throw all our junk out on the street, and there sat five new homeless in January in Ottawa, but then again my lifestyle was quite the factor there.  I hold no resents to the owner, but what a wake up that brought me too, so i guess he should get a thanks.

I’m about to hop on the Back On Track program…Excited am I.  Blessed to have GBFC in my back pocket to help this happen….soon I be zoom zoom zooming down a street near you.

So Out of all the up root is a silver lining.  I guess thats all I wanted to jot down here.  If you just flow in the water that is before you, your canoe floats pretty darn good.

Its a heck of a journey.  Miigwetch creator for the oars.

October 27th 2019.

MMLMB*.

 

 

 

“Wander”

Fall always seems haunting to me.  Old memories flash into me.  A phone call, voices on a wire, pull me to remember times past.

As a person who dances with demons, I am not a fan of feeling.  I would rather not rattle up old bones, and walk through the pain to come out and find happy.  I just want happy to happen.  That is impossible.  Happy takes work .

I have all ways met good souls at bad moments!!!  I have never been countess to twists of truths that leave me more then I was.

All my loves have been lost in vain.  I look back, and see  my mistakes.  My undoings, and my silly belief that in another solace is to be found.

It’s not to be.  You can not change a soul.  Acceptance has to be , and it only comes with love.  If I can’t accept you as is, how can I love you?  I simply cannot, and that is ok, because there is someone who can.  It is ok that it is not me, not you, and there’s no need to force feed the fact home.  Its acceptance.  If it is not right,, it is not to be, but one day , it will be, but never in our time.  We are all on Creator’s clock.

Fall all ways haunts me.  I have a sweet friend I meet in the fall many moons ago.  Wrong time, wrong moment in my life.  I was in a battle to find self, and taking a lot of souls down with me.  We addicts, we never like to do things alone.  I was  running from the truth that I had to walk my walk alone to come to the place where i am worthy of all Creator will bring me.

I was looking for any ditch to dive into.  I thought home and heart would do it.  I thought school and a new beginning with a new victim would do it.  I didn’t fix me.  I didn’t take the time to breath.  When the first winds blew, I fell like a willow, and floated downstream another 20 odd years.

I come to today and awakenings.  I need to let resentments go.  I am a hard headed Metis, and I fell  into old ways at first start on this new journey…its all ways been 2 steps up and one step back for me.  Creator had to put this before me, so I could see, that I have to walk this walk alone for a bit, and then what’s to come to me will be, but I hurt a soul again, and I resent time lost, and slowly I heal from that. Fact of the matter is, I allowed this .  That is where acceptance creeps in.  The resentment is not in the one that I left, its with self, coz well, I knew better. Self is all ways hardest to forgive.

Back to this sweet friend of mine, who is all ways in the back drop of my life, dancing in my mind.  She is one of two that in my life I accepted unconditionally, and would fly to the moon for.  Beautiful tortured souls that don’t even see their beauty and just run like a greyhound right head on into life and take the falls and keep going.

I know this child of hurt and confusion.  I see the eyes that long for home, and love, and acceptance.  I have seen home there.  I have run from one , only to have Creator deal me the hand of never being able to find her again and left with a wonder that is a hole in my heart….the missing.

The other is now on a journey that could bring her to the same end as the first, and for this I wake in fear, but I am not in control and all I can do is pray.

Where’s this blog going?  What am i trying to say in this writing?  Love is acceptance.  Without it , no love can be.  I would drive to where you are number two to retrieve you, help you come Home to the life you deserve, a life your meant to live, a life Creator carved out for you, but you have to believe and see it.  My rescue mission would never do it.  You have to rescue you.

I feel your light.  Hear surrender on the wire, but this twist you have taken is pure danger.  All i can do…Acceptance is key.

MMLMB_October 8, 2019.