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I have been wanting to seriously get back to this thing and get writing. Then my ego gets in the way and says who reads it anyway. It’s not between anyone but me, and my maker so, lets write it out as a journal to Creator.
What is going on world??? Injustices in the courts, indigenous boys being shot on farms, snow that won’t melt, I am riding my bike in February, in Midland, in 2018.
If you’re not alarmed, I think a great big wake up call needs to head your way.
In my humble fifty-three year walk on this planet, everything has turned upside down. Its like we are looking at things in a mixed up, stirred up, twisted sort of view. The saddest part is,it’s all become so self-centered, we don’t even see it.
Here is the humble kick in the teeth. Everyone’s the same.
Where is this going? I just do not know. I do know that at 349 on a sunday morning I am up and writing. I am up and pondering these thoughts. I am up and missing souls that are gone that should be here. I am not living in regret, but I am seeing that we are missing something.
I don’t know how to put it right. I don’t even think for a minute I have the answers. heck, I am just as much part of the problem as everyone else. We all got sucked into this , and now we can not get out, and our children are screaming with AK47’s, and walking into schools.
I want to help find a solution. It’s going to take a community to fix this. We are so boxed off in our owns worlds, I fear that the only true way to heal, and get back to real is to go build a cabin with like-minded souls and wait for You to just clear a path of the stupid.
Thanks for reading my wee note. Going back to bed.
I have not penned in, at the least,three years, seriously written that is. I have not touched this blog as well. Seemed no one read it, and that got in my ego way. Today, and for the past couple days, I have decided to heck with it. My writing is for me. If i happen to be blessed with someone else reading and enjoying it, so be it. I know, this…I am writing for me through the aid of Creator. That matters.
I think I am finally on the road to happy. Seriously happy. See I finally got that the outside of me was not what was impeding me from forward motion. My silly fear of success erupted again, and I am not quite sure when, but it took my sails for a bit.
I self-sabotage. I think in many ways we all do, and i can’t quite grip why. If you truly sit and think about what made you and brought you here, then can you seriously say it put you here only for misery?
I think we do well to bring that onto ourselves, because happy is so simple, that it’s complicated.
I have been on my own, just with Furballs, for seven months now, and truly, as the resentments lift, mostly all with self, I am seeing that the balance I need to do what I must, comes from being in a space of hope and peace.
We are not meant to live in conflict. We are not meant to live in sorrow forever heads bowed in hurts we cant let go of. Acceptance is the only key.
I don’t know where this is going. I just know that I am on a path that helps me smile, and I accept that i have been a shithead in many ways, but that doesn’t mean I have to continue, because the only reason I was ever that way is because I stand in the way of what I truly am meant to be, and that brings re sent of self and that brings a whole whack of different boulders, truly hard to get over.
I am letting go. Letting the ghost that haunt my memories lie. Holding on gives them energy and they stay in my space. There’s no peace then. I am learning that I am the master of my misery and my happy. The tools are given from Creator, but if I don’t pick them up, do the work, I stay in my silly resentments and that impedes my happy.
I am not willing to give that up, nor am I willing to get off this path no matter how scarey it might be. I can envision the blossoming of a grand new era if i just buckle up and sway with it. One next right move. One next right step. They me be tough ones because in the letting go, there’s some leaving behind, but is it not time to make room for trust to transcend me into a world that only Creator knows I can have.
Here we go…Right on into 2018…The Year of the Brown Dog…Seek peace…Have hope…The journey has just begun.
It has been one month since the Furballs and I left 301. Left the yard. Left our shrine. Left our fire pit. The only serenity found there was outside, and in the Temple. I tried so hard to make it home. I didn’t fail. I just remembered that I have to take care of me first, if I want to take care of anyone or any thing else.
We came to be “here”. It took me quite some time to find “here”. It had to be a spot where we can sit for awhile…where we can ponder our thoughts…gather up our spirit and keep onto our path.
I am now letting Creator lead me again. I just have to stop getting in my way.
Dreams have returned. They had left me for two years. I am trying to write again. It has become a task.
I can’t sort out the top from the bottom, or the if and the whens. I am coming undone to be put back together again. All in a beautiful way, in a beautiful home, with my Furballs beside me.
I am doing this alone, and remembering who I am. Remembering who showed me me. Remembering tears, laughter, joys and horrors. I am in my Home. Doing this for myself. It has been almost over 30 years since i have done this on my own, for me, with Creator…trying to get back Home to me.
Im startled daily at the voices in my head. I have been stained by many. The thing that is truly the kick in the pants, and the true change I see in me, is that I can see through the eyes of others, and most of my tears are because I have finally realized I have been the cause of most of my misfortunes. I just had others along for the ride.
Dreaming again of horses, and writings, and pictures in spring. Long haired tattoo guys, and bikes in the market. Sitting, and pondering and wasting in beer. Tears to stop nonsense and insane days spent in hazes. Lafayette and Jimmy and coming so close to happy that it scarred me so silly,I destroyed all.
I have never recovered from you. I just came to that reality. I have gone through my life running…From this to that to this again. To only come back to start again.
To never see the root and never fix the root and never let it go. I just kind of wander around it, or at the least that’s been the pattern.
I am smack dab in it now. I am trying to follow the things taught me. I am trying to make amends and not harm. As I am trying to do this, I begin to see, my effect on all that surrounded you. See there’s the change, I see more then me now. I see more then you. I see the whole damn circle that I affected and loved and took me in and believed and I simply ignored that for quite some time. I can see it now. I have no right to harm any.
You had a circle. A circle of love. I entered in like a tornado. I destroyed dreams. I hurt souls. I had no right. That is mine to live with and I think that by at the least jotting this out on a sunny Saturday, as the sage burns, and i dress to go to Ceremony this afternoon….I’m asking forgiveness in the kindest way i can, by just letting go.
I will no longer put ads in the paper on random dates of significance to us. I will no longer search for you or yours and stumble upon them, leave myself twisted, and trying to contact a soul who only deserves peace, a soul I know would seriously kick my ass if I saw her in person, and I have to say ms kim…i deserve it.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. Its taken thirty years to get to understand this. Its taking even longer to accept it. Creator willing, here I am.
The blessing in the past month have been huge and have humbled me to the core. They have allowed me to begin to re-see my purpose, and gather myself up, and come back to me slowly, like a turtle, like a sweet hurt child who needs tenderness to grow. So im holding her close to me, giving her what she needs, and we are growing up together.
Everything brought me to here. Miigwetch…have peace.
I want to write about bulldozers and teepees. I want to write about muddy fields, and blocked roads, and humvees, and police in full attack gear on the rise. I want to write about this like it wa…
Source: “February Heat”
I want to write about bulldozers and teepees. I want to write about muddy fields, and blocked roads, and humvees, and police in full attack gear on the rise. I want to write about this like it was a bad dream I had last night. I want to make it surreal so when the reader brings it to life, they just cannot phantom that this could ever happen in the world they live in.
But, indeed it can.
In all my wildest dreams, and with all the conspiracy theories I have in my head, never did I ever dream I would witness yesterday. I walked around in full grief mode all day, my blood was curdling I swear. Louis Riel was rolling over in his grave.
South Dakota cried.
I arose to a dull grey day in Ontario. In February. The temperatures been so erratic this year, I am not sure what continent I am on at times. Creator is blessing us with tears today.
Sarnia is on fire, just moments away from boom.
The only birds I hear as I give thanks for the day and pray for nibi, are crows.
This ‘lil turtle is finding it hard to smile of late.
It seems that we are going at such a fast pace that we are simply spinning to stand still.
I love trees. I find solace in the bush. I am simply frightened silly of the madman in the white house down there. I refuse to give the idiot the pleasure of having me type out his name because the bottom line is this…there is a whole movement behind him. I think that is the thing to be aware of and have knowledge of and run for the hills from.
Ah, but I digress, see. I wanted to write about teepees and bulldozers, but it seems to be all tied into the end. I strive for happy on a daily basis and look for love and only see it in cats and dogs and the world’s gone mad I say.
There is no sense in this writing. It’s just words thrown together that simply came at me in a time when grief seems to be heading my way. The rain will wash the pain away.
I am bush bound.
Build a village with a language that only speaks from hearts that see that truth is only found in the wonder of the water, and the bush.
I don’t know much, but I do know this. I want to go Home. To heart. To me. To free.
“Merci/Thank You/Miigwetch to each and everyone one of you who have been on this journey with me…guiding me…reteaching me to live…loving me when I couldn’t…each and every one of you matter and have touched me in ways beyond my wildest dreams…and life is an adventure… I would not want to be on without all of you…its been a challenging six years…its been an awesome six years…its been filled with laughter and tears and hope and joy and sadness…I have lost friends…I have lost family…but I have gained me…and a truth that is so raw it humbles me…i look at each new day and i think of those who gave up before the miracle and I think how blessed am I…why was I chosen…and the why does no longer matter…i am here…this is my path and Creator wants me on it…so lead me…take me…do what you will with me…the reality is this folks…you are the miracle and you are happening right here and now…that is the miracle…its happened to you…so wake up and enjoy…you can live your days in misery and stay stuck in mud and keep on whining but your never gonna get out of the mud…Creator has given you ever darn tool you need to fix you…pick them up…have no fear of the what ifs…the what ifs do not matter…have faith…do you think that Creator put you here for misery…Creator only sees love..only wants good…only makes good…we trash all…stomp on all…and ruin lives because of our inability to love ourselves and then give that away…if i have learnt one thing in the past six years it is this…if you do not want to help yourself…if you don’t see you own worth…if that is not the focal point in your road to happy…then get off the bus…coz the buss only functions with the love of self that will help you throw off the old coat, put on a new one, and travel onto the happy road of destiny….there are lots of good souls out there willing to help you…reach out. Miigwetch.”