It has been one month since the Furballs and I left 301. Left the yard. Left our shrine. Left our fire pit. The only serenity found there was outside, and in the Temple. I tried so hard to make it home. I didn’t fail. I just remembered that I have to take care of me first, if I want to take care of anyone or any thing else.
We came to be “here”. It took me quite some time to find “here”. It had to be a spot where we can sit for awhile…where we can ponder our thoughts…gather up our spirit and keep onto our path.
I am now letting Creator lead me again. I just have to stop getting in my way.
Dreams have returned. They had left me for two years. I am trying to write again. It has become a task.
I can’t sort out the top from the bottom, or the if and the whens. I am coming undone to be put back together again. All in a beautiful way, in a beautiful home, with my Furballs beside me.
I am doing this alone, and remembering who I am. Remembering who showed me me. Remembering tears, laughter, joys and horrors. I am in my Home. Doing this for myself. It has been almost over 30 years since i have done this on my own, for me, with Creator…trying to get back Home to me.
Im startled daily at the voices in my head. I have been stained by many. The thing that is truly the kick in the pants, and the true change I see in me, is that I can see through the eyes of others, and most of my tears are because I have finally realized I have been the cause of most of my misfortunes. I just had others along for the ride.
Dreaming again of horses, and writings, and pictures in spring. Long haired tattoo guys, and bikes in the market. Sitting, and pondering and wasting in beer. Tears to stop nonsense and insane days spent in hazes. Lafayette and Jimmy and coming so close to happy that it scarred me so silly,I destroyed all.
I have never recovered from you. I just came to that reality. I have gone through my life running…From this to that to this again. To only come back to start again.
To never see the root and never fix the root and never let it go. I just kind of wander around it, or at the least that’s been the pattern.
I am smack dab in it now. I am trying to follow the things taught me. I am trying to make amends and not harm. As I am trying to do this, I begin to see, my effect on all that surrounded you. See there’s the change, I see more then me now. I see more then you. I see the whole damn circle that I affected and loved and took me in and believed and I simply ignored that for quite some time. I can see it now. I have no right to harm any.
You had a circle. A circle of love. I entered in like a tornado. I destroyed dreams. I hurt souls. I had no right. That is mine to live with and I think that by at the least jotting this out on a sunny Saturday, as the sage burns, and i dress to go to Ceremony this afternoon….I’m asking forgiveness in the kindest way i can, by just letting go.
I will no longer put ads in the paper on random dates of significance to us. I will no longer search for you or yours and stumble upon them, leave myself twisted, and trying to contact a soul who only deserves peace, a soul I know would seriously kick my ass if I saw her in person, and I have to say ms kim…i deserve it.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. Its taken thirty years to get to understand this. Its taking even longer to accept it. Creator willing, here I am.
The blessing in the past month have been huge and have humbled me to the core. They have allowed me to begin to re-see my purpose, and gather myself up, and come back to me slowly, like a turtle, like a sweet hurt child who needs tenderness to grow. So im holding her close to me, giving her what she needs, and we are growing up together.
Everything brought me to here. Miigwetch…have peace.