It has been one month since the Furballs and I left 301. Left the yard. Left our shrine. Left our fire pit. The only serenity found there was outside, and in the Temple. I tried so hard to make it home. I didn’t fail. I just remembered that I have to take care of me first, if I want to take care of anyone or any thing else.
We came to be “here”. It took me quite some time to find “here”. It had to be a spot where we can sit for awhile…where we can ponder our thoughts…gather up our spirit and keep onto our path.
I am now letting Creator lead me again. I just have to stop getting in my way.
Dreams have returned. They had left me for two years. I am trying to write again. It has become a task.
I can’t sort out the top from the bottom, or the if and the whens. I am coming undone to be put back together again. All in a beautiful way, in a beautiful home, with my Furballs beside me.
I am doing this alone, and remembering who I am. Remembering who showed me me. Remembering tears, laughter, joys and horrors. I am in my Home. Doing this for myself. It has been almost over 30 years since i have done this on my own, for me, with Creator…trying to get back Home to me.
Im startled daily at the voices in my head. I have been stained by many. The thing that is truly the kick in the pants, and the true change I see in me, is that I can see through the eyes of others, and most of my tears are because I have finally realized I have been the cause of most of my misfortunes. I just had others along for the ride.
Dreaming again of horses, and writings, and pictures in spring. Long haired tattoo guys, and bikes in the market. Sitting, and pondering and wasting in beer. Tears to stop nonsense and insane days spent in hazes. Lafayette and Jimmy and coming so close to happy that it scarred me so silly,I destroyed all.
I have never recovered from you. I just came to that reality. I have gone through my life running…From this to that to this again. To only come back to start again.
To never see the root and never fix the root and never let it go. I just kind of wander around it, or at the least that’s been the pattern.
I am smack dab in it now. I am trying to follow the things taught me. I am trying to make amends and not harm. As I am trying to do this, I begin to see, my effect on all that surrounded you. See there’s the change, I see more then me now. I see more then you. I see the whole damn circle that I affected and loved and took me in and believed and I simply ignored that for quite some time. I can see it now. I have no right to harm any.
You had a circle. A circle of love. I entered in like a tornado. I destroyed dreams. I hurt souls. I had no right. That is mine to live with and I think that by at the least jotting this out on a sunny Saturday, as the sage burns, and i dress to go to Ceremony this afternoon….I’m asking forgiveness in the kindest way i can, by just letting go.
I will no longer put ads in the paper on random dates of significance to us. I will no longer search for you or yours and stumble upon them, leave myself twisted, and trying to contact a soul who only deserves peace, a soul I know would seriously kick my ass if I saw her in person, and I have to say ms kim…i deserve it.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. Its taken thirty years to get to understand this. Its taking even longer to accept it. Creator willing, here I am.
The blessing in the past month have been huge and have humbled me to the core. They have allowed me to begin to re-see my purpose, and gather myself up, and come back to me slowly, like a turtle, like a sweet hurt child who needs tenderness to grow. So im holding her close to me, giving her what she needs, and we are growing up together.
Everything brought me to here. Miigwetch…have peace.
I want to write about bulldozers and teepees. I want to write about muddy fields, and blocked roads, and humvees, and police in full attack gear on the rise. I want to write about this like it wa…
Source: “February Heat”
I want to write about bulldozers and teepees. I want to write about muddy fields, and blocked roads, and humvees, and police in full attack gear on the rise. I want to write about this like it was a bad dream I had last night. I want to make it surreal so when the reader brings it to life, they just cannot phantom that this could ever happen in the world they live in.
But, indeed it can.
In all my wildest dreams, and with all the conspiracy theories I have in my head, never did I ever dream I would witness yesterday. I walked around in full grief mode all day, my blood was curdling I swear. Louis Riel was rolling over in his grave.
South Dakota cried.
I arose to a dull grey day in Ontario. In February. The temperatures been so erratic this year, I am not sure what continent I am on at times. Creator is blessing us with tears today.
Sarnia is on fire, just moments away from boom.
The only birds I hear as I give thanks for the day and pray for nibi, are crows.
This ‘lil turtle is finding it hard to smile of late.
It seems that we are going at such a fast pace that we are simply spinning to stand still.
I love trees. I find solace in the bush. I am simply frightened silly of the madman in the white house down there. I refuse to give the idiot the pleasure of having me type out his name because the bottom line is this…there is a whole movement behind him. I think that is the thing to be aware of and have knowledge of and run for the hills from.
Ah, but I digress, see. I wanted to write about teepees and bulldozers, but it seems to be all tied into the end. I strive for happy on a daily basis and look for love and only see it in cats and dogs and the world’s gone mad I say.
There is no sense in this writing. It’s just words thrown together that simply came at me in a time when grief seems to be heading my way. The rain will wash the pain away.
I am bush bound.
Build a village with a language that only speaks from hearts that see that truth is only found in the wonder of the water, and the bush.
I don’t know much, but I do know this. I want to go Home. To heart. To me. To free.
“Merci/Thank You/Miigwetch to each and everyone one of you who have been on this journey with me…guiding me…reteaching me to live…loving me when I couldn’t…each and every one of you matter and have touched me in ways beyond my wildest dreams…and life is an adventure… I would not want to be on without all of you…its been a challenging six years…its been an awesome six years…its been filled with laughter and tears and hope and joy and sadness…I have lost friends…I have lost family…but I have gained me…and a truth that is so raw it humbles me…i look at each new day and i think of those who gave up before the miracle and I think how blessed am I…why was I chosen…and the why does no longer matter…i am here…this is my path and Creator wants me on it…so lead me…take me…do what you will with me…the reality is this folks…you are the miracle and you are happening right here and now…that is the miracle…its happened to you…so wake up and enjoy…you can live your days in misery and stay stuck in mud and keep on whining but your never gonna get out of the mud…Creator has given you ever darn tool you need to fix you…pick them up…have no fear of the what ifs…the what ifs do not matter…have faith…do you think that Creator put you here for misery…Creator only sees love..only wants good…only makes good…we trash all…stomp on all…and ruin lives because of our inability to love ourselves and then give that away…if i have learnt one thing in the past six years it is this…if you do not want to help yourself…if you don’t see you own worth…if that is not the focal point in your road to happy…then get off the bus…coz the buss only functions with the love of self that will help you throw off the old coat, put on a new one, and travel onto the happy road of destiny….there are lots of good souls out there willing to help you…reach out. Miigwetch.”
“I just don’t understand how anyone can get opposed or upset at the people who are setting up camp…there are over 1000 souls there to protect our Mother Earth…that is everyone’s Mother Earth eh not just the First Nations…why are people so upset that we want to protect Nibi??? It is everyone’s water and it is all the same water…so why do people get so upset when we set up camp, walk around bays, take canoes to the waters???? I think its coz we are showing their lame asses up and we help them to feel like they should be doing this too but being blinded by society and all the rest they fail to make the stand out of fear of alienation from their “peoples”…I could be wrong…it could be something totally different but i know this…this is what i fight for…this is not about me…this is about the next seven and I want there to be forest and water and life left for when i go…and i also know my ancestors didn’t do all they did to put me here today so I can just sit back and wait for someone else to stand up and do the right thing.
So criticize me all you want, roll your eyes when i speak my truths, but i am not stopping, and I will continue to walk with my ancestors as they smile upon me, and i follow spirit, and do the right thing….Stand up and be all you can be.”
“I want to build something in my backyard. A huge Stanley Peltier tee-pee that will attract all. Bring in elders. Have fires. Talk till dawn. Bring in the youth. Sit down, and chat. Take them out, to the bush, with friends, on excursions to explorer souls.
Embrace the language teachers. Bring them in. Have lessons. Network with others who are building canoes, teaching songs, learning drums.
I want to come home to soul, and I want to share that with all. I want smiles and laughter and I am just so tired of all this gloom and doom.
I can not do this alone, nor do I want to, nor am I suppose to. This is my simple call out to all who may read this ( all be it I think far fewer do then I think and I think only 2 do).
If you feel a pull, or a tug, or you see something here and ya wanna jump on. I have the yard. I have wood to build stuff with. I have no teepee yet. I have Stan as friend/elder/teacher though!!!!! If I gave sema…ya just never know. I am nothing but full of hope. I also have fine spot for tree fort, but i have sister Stacey in charge of that.
I am just a dreamer, but I see where we are headed and it’s just not good. I see the lost looks in eyes, we need more then technology. This stuff is leaving us hollow and sidelined by life.
Heal the Earth. Clean the Water. Learn your Mother Tongue. Be whole. Come on folks. I sound like a tired old John Lennon song, and I just don’t care.
Nothing’s going right, so let’s go left. Right off grid…and let’s prepare and plan and let’s start with a base…a place to meet and charge up…let’s build it in my backyard!!!”