via “The Life”
It’s gotten a bit chaotic in my world. I applied and was accepted at the Anishnabek Educational Institute in North Bay, Ontario. I commence classes on September 8, 2018. I will be studying for a diploma as a Native Community Worker-Traditional Healing Methods.
I have become overwhelmed with the process of asking for funding. The whole OSAP process is insane.
The Metis Nation of Ontario wants me to prove I am Metis before even applying for the funding.
I wanna know in what other homelands do the indigenous have to prove they are from there? Am I the only one who sees the oxymoronish way to this?
I am going to school. If I have to become a beggar on the street, and live in a tent for the mere two weeks every semester I must attend, I am going to school…So, I gave up the insanity and the spinning over to Creator, and said get me there.
I have a groundhog living under my back porch. Cutest little varmint I have ever seen. i haven’t had to cut grass since she moved in.
I am no longer stuck, just kinda on a pause in the system. The red road is still my greatest gift yet, but I am getting a bit fearful of my start.
As per usual, I get to here and run sideways backwards and out. The difference in this part of my walk, is the awareness. The mind boggling truth that if I falter, what is there, but to come back to here, and i will only lose time.
I tried to befriend an old sweet soul, chronic to the core, and then I realized that is enabling, and you can mark it off as caring and such, for the old soul will die if cut off, but that is not my issue.
So, i have had to learn about zoos and zoo keeping. Where are my animals? I can not tend to them while tending to yours.
Creator threw a huge test at me. I think Creator’s sense of haha at times is truly remarkable.
I just gotta learn, that it is all happening as it should, and will all fall into place, just learn to be like nibi, and flow…
All though I don’t write my blog as often as I should, all though I let the creative side of me sway for a bit, even though all this happens.
I am sober. The greatest gift of all, and I am going to school.
The Colton Boushie verdict came down, and I was not surprised that the man would go free. I had hope the system would see the injustice and try to improve its status by handing down the right verdict for sweet Tina Fontaine, but I was wrong.
Now, the tears wont stop. The memories of all I have been through in my short life, are simply haunting me. I am ragged with rage, and feeling so insignificant that I just think I might disappear.
This poor family. Enough torment is enough. Is it not enough that we survive the horrid deaths of our loved ones, but to be completely disregarded, like a piece of garbage, thrown to the river…I just have no words.
Where does it stop? What can we do? Staying or getting sober is one thing. Returning to our spirituality and getting our language back in another thing. All theses things are entwined. All theses things come back to the fact we are a broken dislocated detached people, and no one really seems to care.
Stand up. In whatever little way you can. Your ancestors are behind you,m and they are crying in pain, because we do not stand up, or we do but we don’t follow through, and then the cause gets laid to rest by the side of the road.
Stand up. Stand up in class. Stand up in the grocery story when you get followed around just coz your Native. Stand up when you get pulled over in your car just because of the colour of your skin. Stand up. When you see a child being hurt by language that one just shouldn’t use with kids. Stand up. When your neighbours are drunken fools who have a child in their care. STand up. When you see abuse happening and you just turn away. Stand up on the reservations and address the violence on our women, kids, our men and boys. Stand up. When suicide is the thief taking most of our children. Stand up.
I have tears to shed today. I am lost for words on how to fix this. System is just simply broken, so I say throw it out, get a new one and STAND UP.
Rest in peace sweet angels. Something good will come of your deaths. You will not die in vain. We will stand up.
I have been wanting to seriously get back to this thing and get writing. Then my ego gets in the way and says who reads it anyway. It’s not between anyone but me, and my maker so, lets write it out as a journal to Creator.
What is going on world??? Injustices in the courts, indigenous boys being shot on farms, snow that won’t melt, I am riding my bike in February, in Midland, in 2018.
If you’re not alarmed, I think a great big wake up call needs to head your way.
In my humble fifty-three year walk on this planet, everything has turned upside down. Its like we are looking at things in a mixed up, stirred up, twisted sort of view. The saddest part is,it’s all become so self-centered, we don’t even see it.
Here is the humble kick in the teeth. Everyone’s the same.
Where is this going? I just do not know. I do know that at 349 on a sunday morning I am up and writing. I am up and pondering these thoughts. I am up and missing souls that are gone that should be here. I am not living in regret, but I am seeing that we are missing something.
I don’t know how to put it right. I don’t even think for a minute I have the answers. heck, I am just as much part of the problem as everyone else. We all got sucked into this , and now we can not get out, and our children are screaming with AK47’s, and walking into schools.
I want to help find a solution. It’s going to take a community to fix this. We are so boxed off in our owns worlds, I fear that the only true way to heal, and get back to real is to go build a cabin with like-minded souls and wait for You to just clear a path of the stupid.
Thanks for reading my wee note. Going back to bed.
I have not penned in, at the least,three years, seriously written that is. I have not touched this blog as well. Seemed no one read it, and that got in my ego way. Today, and for the past couple days, I have decided to heck with it. My writing is for me. If i happen to be blessed with someone else reading and enjoying it, so be it. I know, this…I am writing for me through the aid of Creator. That matters.
I think I am finally on the road to happy. Seriously happy. See I finally got that the outside of me was not what was impeding me from forward motion. My silly fear of success erupted again, and I am not quite sure when, but it took my sails for a bit.
I self-sabotage. I think in many ways we all do, and i can’t quite grip why. If you truly sit and think about what made you and brought you here, then can you seriously say it put you here only for misery?
I think we do well to bring that onto ourselves, because happy is so simple, that it’s complicated.
I have been on my own, just with Furballs, for seven months now, and truly, as the resentments lift, mostly all with self, I am seeing that the balance I need to do what I must, comes from being in a space of hope and peace.
We are not meant to live in conflict. We are not meant to live in sorrow forever heads bowed in hurts we cant let go of. Acceptance is the only key.
I don’t know where this is going. I just know that I am on a path that helps me smile, and I accept that i have been a shithead in many ways, but that doesn’t mean I have to continue, because the only reason I was ever that way is because I stand in the way of what I truly am meant to be, and that brings re sent of self and that brings a whole whack of different boulders, truly hard to get over.
I am letting go. Letting the ghost that haunt my memories lie. Holding on gives them energy and they stay in my space. There’s no peace then. I am learning that I am the master of my misery and my happy. The tools are given from Creator, but if I don’t pick them up, do the work, I stay in my silly resentments and that impedes my happy.
I am not willing to give that up, nor am I willing to get off this path no matter how scarey it might be. I can envision the blossoming of a grand new era if i just buckle up and sway with it. One next right move. One next right step. They me be tough ones because in the letting go, there’s some leaving behind, but is it not time to make room for trust to transcend me into a world that only Creator knows I can have.
Here we go…Right on into 2018…The Year of the Brown Dog…Seek peace…Have hope…The journey has just begun.
It has been one month since the Furballs and I left 301. Left the yard. Left our shrine. Left our fire pit. The only serenity found there was outside, and in the Temple. I tried so hard to make it home. I didn’t fail. I just remembered that I have to take care of me first, if I want to take care of anyone or any thing else.
We came to be “here”. It took me quite some time to find “here”. It had to be a spot where we can sit for awhile…where we can ponder our thoughts…gather up our spirit and keep onto our path.
I am now letting Creator lead me again. I just have to stop getting in my way.
Dreams have returned. They had left me for two years. I am trying to write again. It has become a task.
I can’t sort out the top from the bottom, or the if and the whens. I am coming undone to be put back together again. All in a beautiful way, in a beautiful home, with my Furballs beside me.
I am doing this alone, and remembering who I am. Remembering who showed me me. Remembering tears, laughter, joys and horrors. I am in my Home. Doing this for myself. It has been almost over 30 years since i have done this on my own, for me, with Creator…trying to get back Home to me.
Im startled daily at the voices in my head. I have been stained by many. The thing that is truly the kick in the pants, and the true change I see in me, is that I can see through the eyes of others, and most of my tears are because I have finally realized I have been the cause of most of my misfortunes. I just had others along for the ride.
Dreaming again of horses, and writings, and pictures in spring. Long haired tattoo guys, and bikes in the market. Sitting, and pondering and wasting in beer. Tears to stop nonsense and insane days spent in hazes. Lafayette and Jimmy and coming so close to happy that it scarred me so silly,I destroyed all.
I have never recovered from you. I just came to that reality. I have gone through my life running…From this to that to this again. To only come back to start again.
To never see the root and never fix the root and never let it go. I just kind of wander around it, or at the least that’s been the pattern.
I am smack dab in it now. I am trying to follow the things taught me. I am trying to make amends and not harm. As I am trying to do this, I begin to see, my effect on all that surrounded you. See there’s the change, I see more then me now. I see more then you. I see the whole damn circle that I affected and loved and took me in and believed and I simply ignored that for quite some time. I can see it now. I have no right to harm any.
You had a circle. A circle of love. I entered in like a tornado. I destroyed dreams. I hurt souls. I had no right. That is mine to live with and I think that by at the least jotting this out on a sunny Saturday, as the sage burns, and i dress to go to Ceremony this afternoon….I’m asking forgiveness in the kindest way i can, by just letting go.
I will no longer put ads in the paper on random dates of significance to us. I will no longer search for you or yours and stumble upon them, leave myself twisted, and trying to contact a soul who only deserves peace, a soul I know would seriously kick my ass if I saw her in person, and I have to say ms kim…i deserve it.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. Its taken thirty years to get to understand this. Its taking even longer to accept it. Creator willing, here I am.
The blessing in the past month have been huge and have humbled me to the core. They have allowed me to begin to re-see my purpose, and gather myself up, and come back to me slowly, like a turtle, like a sweet hurt child who needs tenderness to grow. So im holding her close to me, giving her what she needs, and we are growing up together.
Everything brought me to here. Miigwetch…have peace.