Here I go…on the wings of eagles I shall fly…I dont know what i experienced this past week…I have tried to sit down to jot it all down, and yet English fails me.  Quand je vas la,…

Source: “Ahnee”



Here I go…on the wings of eagles I shall fly…I dont know what i experienced this past week…I have tried to sit down to jot it all down, and yet English fails me.  Quand je vas la,  les mot proches de mot coeur, sons toujours…francais…language is culture…we gotta learn that.I see it coz i keep have of mine but the other I need to learn, to make me whole, to help me come home in a better and bigger way, to help my people unite.

Unity…all clans come together to work as one to get the job done…the job is…healing mother earth…thereby healing us…in…Unity.

I have choose comfy over adventures, let fear slip in, and i am too awake for that right now.  The torment of the twisted me returning is enough to make me rewrite the draft.

I believe the revolution is coming.  i believe it will need us all with our many tools to work as one, and be community.  i am taking one year to get my schooling done, secure a vehicle and a license, and then packing up me and the kitties up, and away we go for nibi.

I am thinking before jumping now.  I am plan in motion cant plan the outcome and can not wait for the adventures.  I thought I’d be here longer, but when one step up is two steps back, well, i have done that far to long and i hear Creator.

I am afraid, and I look beyond and see the fear is just a mask to the hope and all i need is to believe and all will be well…Abundance will  fall on me.  Instinct lead my way, and most of all…love guide me.  I just can’t not-not  hear the calling now…and a house is a house.. they stay put…most turtles I know…take there’s with them….i’m becoming my clan…miigwetch.








Upon hearing the news of the Orlando shooting…biggest modern day massacre…next to Wounded Knee, but that is a whole other topic.I don’t think shocked was the word I am looking for here.  I think the first thing that came to my mind, was wow…I can’t not believe this is still going on in 2016.

I came out at fifteen.  I am now fifty-one.  I have seen friends and family member’s commit suicide over the issue of being gay.  

I have witnessed hate crimes back in the early 90’s in Ottawa when the almighty neo-Nazis moved into town.  I had a friend murdered in his slept while he sleep next to his lover, with a screwdriver, by theses fine sorts.

I had another friend thrown off the Alexander Bridge in Ottawa, to his death, because a bunch of guys decided to roll a fag one night.

I can’t even begin to name how many times I have been called dyke, butch, lesbian, add your own derogatory comment here.  I have also suffered the insult of being mistaken for the other gender so many times it makes my head spin, and I can not even begin to relay to you how many times people think  calling me Sir is just a simple mis-take, and sorry is all it takes to make that go away.  

I can go on and on with the trauma I have suffered.  I am not alone.  That’s the sad thing.

Throughout all my ordeals, I have always seen one common factor.  Most people who have hurt and offended me the most are the ones that are stuck in a closet and fear full of my ability to be out and proud.  It’s not an ability, it’s not courage, I never really came out, I just knew what I was and I never hid it, and that was a big problem for others who could not come to terms with their own sexuality.  That is internal self-hatred.

Seriously, I don’t think Islam is the problem here folks.  I think its self hate.   I think that people have such an inability to love themselves exactly as they are that they lash out at others exactly like themselves.  Its like saying if i squash it in you, I will squash it in me.

I heard the other day we have to educate the children on how to love.  I don’t think that is the answer. Kids know how to love, we teach them hate.  It’s the adults you have re-educate.  It’s the media that is throwing us perfect family’s that match “your’s” and that makes “us” feel just a little less then.That creates an inequality and ,well, self hate brews in that.  I don’t know how many times I have heard, that’s not a real marriage, and that not a real family.

We the adults need to watch what we say.  Gay is not a synonym for all things you don’t like. Fag is not a nice word to use, or dyke, or butch or anything else but the freaking label your mother gave you.

Someone is always watching, so beware of that.  Be aware that you are not alone in this big universe and that some are struggling with their own self-image and when you point negativity at what they are struggling with it internalizes a chain of events that is very destructive to a soul.  You will never know what is going on in another’s head.  Your best friend could be sitting on this secret for years.  There you are all ways bringing gays down and saying nasty things. Do you think for one minute that is gonna harbor any kind of motivation to come out and be themselves and live as happy a life as you.  Why are you entitled to a happy life coz you happen to be born straight?  Am I not entitled to one also?  Seriously, do you think Creator made us to be miserable in life and to drive you all into madness with our thirst for equality????

We are all here for a reason.  We come into each other’s lives for a reason.  We have lessons to teach and learn from each other.  We aren’t put here to hurt and hate, we bring that onto ourselves and then we pass it along.  We do this to us.

It’s in our own communities where gays don’t like dykes, and trans are left out, and bi is so misunderstood I wont even go into the others.  We all need our own parade coz we all so freaking important.  We are one damn community folks, we need unity, without it we will achieve nothing.

I pray for all the souls that got massacred.  I pray for their families, but when we sit there and watch TV throw mis-information at us, and then we build a society on that, what can you expect???

You need a driver’s license to operate a vehicle, any dummy can have a kid. What can do more harm, raising a child to hate themselves so much so that eventually all the gaskets blow and away they go, off to murder 50 innocents, or allowing an unlicensed soul to go down the road at 100 km/hour? Same shit different day I say.

Education is key, but educate the adults.  Then the can teach the kids. Right now I feel we are doing it bass ass backwards. It’s not the kids who don’t know how to love, it is us.  We need to relearn that in order to pass it on and then, maybe, society will have a chance at being what Creator meant it to be….Community….people helping people in a happy place that harbors peace.

Have a day. 

“The Ides of March”

“As I grieve theses recent passing’s, and I have been a party to far too many of late, the thought came to me that I am the product of thousands of years of love, and vision….regardless of the hardships put on me by either my own undoings or the circumstances I was under, some ancestor, somewhere,down the line had a vision of me to be here NOW. That’s love.
So, walk gently, and in a good way, because someone saw me way before I was here, and someone will see me when I’m far long gone, and someone will say…I am the product of a thousand years of love, and vision”


La Mort

Sa me touche do temps en temps.  Mais pas comme celles qui vient juste de passee.  I feel compelled to write in french, yet my bending to the masses for so long has left me at a downfall in that area.  I don’t remember the proper grammar, and that’s a disrespect to just keep trying to do it and bastardizing it.

I miss my Memere.  I have had too many touches with death of late.  Close souls too , and ones that have seriously helped me on this path, and now I just feel empty.

My grandparents, my mom’s mom and dad, meant the world to me.  If there was ever solid ground to fall on it was them.  My Pepere taught me politics, how to fish, how to laugh, that music could heal your weary soul, and laughter cured all.  My Memere taught me love, and discipline and respect and that if you step out of line, someone sees all, and someone usually has the balls to call you on your stuff.  That’s love.

Simple, honest souls, that just wanted happy.  Troubled families, misguided histories, stolen cultures, and yet they smiled and nothing really stuck on them long enough to scar them.  If they were scared, either they didn’t show it, or they didn’t know it, but i knew them as happy.

I lost my Pepere long ago, and I have walked in the shadow of that longing for a long time, knowing he is all ways with me.  I feel him closest in the fall, but that presence is all ways there.  Its my selfish soul that is crying like a babe for my grandma.  The just knowing she was close by, to go spend time with, was soothing.  The hole that is now here is needing filling.

Tomorrow i will pack up my tools, and head over to Penetang to clean up the stone that is engraved with my grandfathers name, and make it pretty for her to come lay next to him again.

Its healing, and soothing, but this is not where i wanted you both to ever be, but that is unreal thinking, and acceptance is key.  I had my time with you.  Blessed by that I should see happy, but for now I grieve, and try to find solace in knowing you dance together again.

Je vous aime gros comme le ciel, and I will all ways be your “pickle”.






“Puppet Master”

Did you know the world is all ready written in the pages of his/herstory.   Just saying.  So, now, that I have your attention, let’s move on.

It took me awhile to realize the gifts thrown at me that lay at my door.  I am walking in a way that is filled with daily amazement.  Where is life going?

I know only one thing. It’s all ready written.  My only work to do is listen, and then be brave enough to pick up whatever tools lay around me, and pursue the words I heard.

Healing.  My life is about healing.  If I wanna help souls, I have to heal me, because hurt people hurt people.  I have seen this in my lifetime.

I don’t even think they know it.  So there can be no resentments.  Simple humility at the knowing that they are the lost ones, and its not my place to point that out, but it is my place to move on, and pray they get the help they need.

Lately, as I turn my mind to the Puppet Master,  things unfold before me and I see where I am being taken.  I am willing to follow.    As my anger subsides, and kindness flows in, as I let the seven teachings take my heart, my walk is lighter.

I woke up this morning so blessed.  I laid my tobacco and said move me.  Now, i await for the adventure.  Each day a new one.  Knowing all along, You have the book all ready written, I am merely playing my part, and all I have to do is trust.

What’s not to trust?  Am I not here?  After a life of horrible discontent, and shallow beginnings, I am here, right here, right where I am suppose to be.  Move me.

Shake me to real, and allow me to love my fellow humans back to health, back to life…Heal me so I can pass it on.

The world is full of bumps and bruises, that’s just the way it is.  If you can learnt to ride them, and realize your just a puppet in a play all ready written…All will be well.  May your days be filled with awe.

“Do understand that you are destined for enlightenment. Cooperate with your destiny, don’t go against it, don’t thwart it. Allow it to fulfil itself. All you have to do is to give attention to the obstacles created by the foolish mind. In the light of calm and steady awareness, inner energies wake up and work miracles without any effort on your part.”Nisargadatta Maharaj






“Mental Health”

I just returned from visiting a friend who is hospitalized.  Why do we insist on hospitalizing people who have mental health issues?  It is not a sickness that cant be cured.  It can be managed but you have to have the people in place who care enough to see its managed properly.

There’s something wrong with a world that allocates major funding for schools to implements mental health programs, and you have parents who wont even accept their child’s true problem.  So how does a child heal, when everyone around them is in denial of the problem?

Then you have the other end of the scale where you have people accessing these funds and they don’t even need it.  We need a caring system that weeds out the drama queens and honestly helps the children who need and want help.

We need to ask the hard questions.  We need to stop theses children from just jumping on the bandwagon.  These children that are in despair and need true help, we need to honestly look at what they are living in and with and we need to start addressing that situation.  I am not saying run into every house where a kid has problems and remove them.  What I am saying though is don’t just analyze the child, look at the adults and have the balls to make them get the help they need.  If they don’t do that, why help them?

I truly believe that all adult problems with mental health and the like, like addictions, all stem from childhood trauma.  Break a child.  You break society.  You don’t fix that problem now you will just have a bigger problem later, and that child will grow up to have children to only do the same thing all over again.

Adults need to realize if your kid has a problem, it is not necessarily a direct reflection of you. Its a direct reflection of you if you are not addressing your own issues, and that is therefore seeping down into the way you care for the child.  I do believe we have a responsibility to heal ourselves first and foremost before insisting another soul seek help, because hurt souls hurt souls.  

Now, back to my sweet friend, who is now in a hospital due to the lack of caring professionals who over medicated the man for years, and just sort of shoved him along.  He needs an advocate to help him. He is all alone and that’s not right. 

Where are those agencies that he is associated with now?  Now that he is in dire straights,  no one is there.  So many questions running through my head, but the bottom line is this.  We need to find the compassion in our society again. These children need their whole families getting help, not just them.  Metal health is a family dis-ease.  Treat the family, not just the one person, and that will lead to education, and maybe, just maybe, that will make a better world for all of us.